The Heart Has Reasons: A Look at Intercultural Relationships

View Photos (1) Image © 2003 Robert George

Fools rush in, where wise men never go
But wise men never fall in love
So how are they to know. - Songwriter Johnny Mercer

The French have a saying, "Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît pas." ...The heart has reasons that reason does not recognize. And when it comes to love, the heart often does not recognize race, skin color, religion or language. When that special someone comes waltzing into your life, and you realize you're in love, nothing else seems to matter. But when Mr. or Ms. Bliss is from a different country, a different race, speaks a different language, or practices a different religion, the match may not always be one made in heaven.

Despite the racial diversity of the U.S., intercultural relationships have always been a point of family controversy; and people often look askance at interracial couples in public settings. However, inroads achieved by the cultural revolution of the 1960's have afforded us much greater freedom to choose our romantic partners regardless of race; and the cultural interface of U.S. involvement in global trade, politics, and military conflicts has given us much greater opportunity to do so.

Yet, even though the social stigma associated with intercultural relationships has been significantly mitigated since the 1950's, the inherent challenges they pose are as real as ever. Among the most obvious are language, religious and political differences, cultural traditions such as holiday celebrations, household customs, habits and food preferences. However, these external factors are but a few of the myriad trials and tribulations awaiting those intrepid souls who dare to rush in where angels fear to tread.

Many, if not most of the problems faced by partners in an intercultural relationship are intangibles, such as communication problems with each other and with in-laws, the approval of their respective families, gender roles and expectations, individual goals and values, raising children, and the concept of the nuclear family versus the extended family.

On the positive side, however, with patience and perseverance, a successful intercultural relationship can be immensely rewarding and deeply fulfilling. For those involved, the cultural polarity keeps life interesting and offers countless opportunities for personal awareness, growth and learning. And on a more transcendent level, the union of two such different individuals is a microcosmic opportunity to enhance global tolerance, cultural integration and peaceful coexistence

So, where does one begin to unravel the complexities and create harmony within an intercultural relationship? The answer to this question is not an easy one and will most certainly vary from one relationship to the next, however, the underlying concepts are both simple and basic: Knowledge, Education, Communication and Acceptance.

Knowledge

As with any successful partnership, the foundation of an intercultural relationship lies in really getting to know one another: learning not only the vital statistics, but exploring the true inner workings and deep-seated values of your beloved. Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions, even if you may not like the answers. Talk about your prior romantic relationships and why they didn't work out. Talk about childhood, family history, parent/ sibling relationships, and the psychological impact they have on adult attitudes and behavior. Talk about your expectations of one another and the roles you foresee yourselves playing as your relationship evolves and progresses over time. Talk about what if's such as illness, infidelity, financial hardships or unavoidable separation.

Any relationship worth being in will surely survive even the most awkward and unpleasant discussions. And if it doesn't, then chances are, it wouldn't have lasted anyway. So go ahead. Ask those hard questions. Getting to know each other fully is the best investment toward building a foundation for a meaningful and lasting intercultural relationship.

And if you don't know which questions to ask, several excellent books are available, including:

The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do" by Susan Piver

365 Questions for Couples by Michael J. Beck

The Marital Compatibility Test: Hundreds of Questions for Couples to Answer Together by Susan Adams

Don't You Dare Get Married Until You Read This! The Book of Questions for Couples by Corey Donaldson

Education

One of the greatest obstacles of intercultural relationships is lack of education and understanding of each other's cultural backgrounds. An individual's cultural history, ideology and customs are probably the most powerful influence in shaping who and what that person becomes, as well as how they think and function on a daily basis. Therefore, the success of any intercultural relationship relies heavily on how well the two people involved understand and embrace each other's cultural roots; and early on in the relationship is the best time to find out.

Of course, this doesn't mean that you have to go out and get a PhD in cultural anthropology. Simply looking up your beloved's country or culture of origin in a reliable encyclopedia is a good place to start. Also pay attention to relevant stories in the daily news, read articles in magazines and discuss them with your partner.

Watching films and reading literature by authors from your partner's country or culture is another excellent way to gain a deeper understanding of their social, political and ideological values. Ask your partner which films and authors he or she particularly favors and make a point of watching, reading and discussing them together. Another good way to learn about your partner's culture is to attend festivals, celebrations, art exhibits and film festivals. Most cosmopolitan cities have dozens of events throughout the year that will provide opportunities for greater cultural awareness. And even if you don't live in a metropolitan area, chances are there's one within driving distance. Keep your eye on the entertainment section of your local newspaper, or check the Internet for regional entertainment websites with listings of cultural events.

In the meanwhile, also make a sincere effort to learn the language, observe their cultural traditions and customs, and get to know your partner's family. The more you know, the better your chances of creating a meaningful, deeply fulfilling and successful relationship; so dive right in and immerse yourself in your partner's culture. You'll soon find it's the effort that's most appreciated.

Communication

This panoptic subject can scarcely be addressed within the confines of a single magazine article. Volumes have been written on the topic of communication, and still we struggle with it. However, in intercultural relationships, the typical challenges of communication between the sexes may be doubly compounded by linguistic disparity as well. In other words, in an intercultural relationship, both literally and figuratively, men and women simply don't speak the same language. But no matter what language is chosen for verbal communication between romantic partners, the basic rules should always apply:

Respect - In any conversation, and especially when conflict arises, the most important element of communication is respect. This means listening without interruption while your partner is speaking, using a civil tone of voice at all times, and refraining from the use of profanity or insults. No matter how much you may disagree, no conversation between the two of you will ever reach a satisfactory resolution without mutual respect.

Clarity - When two people speak different languages, the chances for misunderstandings are greatly increased. And in intercultural relationships, English, a language that may be foreign to one or both of you, is often the common choice for verbal communication. But no matter which language you use to speak with each other, it is crucial that you and your partner make an effort to ensure that your thoughts and feelings are expressed clearly and accurately. To accomplish this, don't play mind games. Keep the words simple and direct, and avoid the use of snappy clichés and emotionally charged melodrama. And if you find yourself frequently at a loss for words, keep a bilingual dictionary handy.

Sincerity - No matter how potentially volatile the topic, always approach any discussion with a sincere and loving heart. Keep in mind that the purpose of communication is not to win or dominate, but to inform and resolve. So whenever you find yourself in the midst of an impasse, examine your motives and choose your words carefully to achieve the intended outcome. Always work toward building a bridge instead of a wall.

Acceptance

In the real world, there's no such thing as a perfect relationship, and each intercultural relationship presents its own unique set of difficulties. Regardless of how loving and harmonious the relationship, there will always be times when cultural barriers simply cannot be overcome. In these instances, all the hard work, knowledge, education and good communication skills in the world cannot replace the simple act of acceptance. This means admitting to yourself and to your partner that sometimes things are the way they are, and no amount of wishing or deliberation can change history, the status quo, or the basic fabric of our beings. Once realized, that's the time to lovingly accept your own and your partner's cultural limitations, kiss and make up, count your blessings and carry on.

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Published on 5/2/03